


5 Ways SG-15 Didn’t Get Sucked by the Wraith

by delphia2000



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M, SG-15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-29
Updated: 2011-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-23 05:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/246741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delphia2000/pseuds/delphia2000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally posted on the LJ SG15 community. A five ways set of ficlets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Ways SG-15 Didn’t Get Sucked by the Wraith

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [SG-15](https://archiveofourown.org/works/59643) by [dvs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvs/pseuds/dvs). 



1)

“Will you look at him? Is he insane? Wait, strike that…is he crazier than usual?”

Sheppard gestured with his gun at Dixon charging straight up the middle like a cigar-chomping bowling ball headed for half a dozen Wraith-shaped pins.

“Damn it, he got into the Bug Juice!” Rodney groaned. At Shep’s questioning look, he explained, “That Wraith extract stuff that we’ve been developing. Gives him Wraith powers, temporarily. I think he’s been free-basing it.”

Wraith screams echoed around them as Dixon leveled the field. “It is somewhat reminiscent of that Wonkavator which exploded from the roof in the chocolate movie you screened for me,” Martouf said, his head cocked watching the carnage intently.

“Are they all dead?” asked Rodney, hands over his eyes as if afraid to look.

Dixon held up his rifle, two-handed, over his head and made monkey noises. “Now that’s pure Star Wars,” Sheppard nodded as he rose from his crouched position behind the boulders. “If they aren’t dead now, they will be when we empty a few more rounds into them. Come on.”

 

2)

It should have been a routine patrol to check out a new gate address. What the MALP didn’t show was that behind every pretty tree was a Wraith. SG-15 ran for the Stargate like cattle stampeding to water, only slightly less organized.

“Colonel, they’re gaining on us! Got any more of those grenades?” Sheppard panted.

“Fresh out, son. Got me one of these though,” Dixon answered, holding up a Gou’ald explosive device.

“That’s a sonic, sir. It would knock us out too,” Sheppard pointed out to him.

“Right. That’s the part I haven’t worked out yet,” Dixon said, giving the device a twist and pitching it behind him. “Put your fingers in your ears!” he ordered loudly.

“We’re all going to die,” moaned Rodney, attempting to cram both of his fists in his ears.

Martouf had the gate dialed and was helping Dixon stand when Sheppard finally awoke to find Rodney alternately slapping his face and chaffing his hands, begging him to wake up. “What happened?” Sheppard asked.

“Apparently even though they don’t have ears, the Wraiths are seriously affected by sonics. They’re still out and we’re out of here!” Rodney explained, wrapping an arm around John and urging him to get up.

Sheppard shook his head in an attempt to clear the ringing in his ears. “How the hell did we survive?”

“The usual when Dixon is involved,” Lantash rumbled. “Pure dumb luck.”

3)

“We’re all going to die. Die horribly,” Rodney sobbed.

He’d have been wringing his hands if he wasn’t completely immobilized by the Wraith cocoon that engulfed him, leaving only his head free to watch the horrifying scene before him.

The Wraith queen stood before Dixon, her hands outstretched, about to suck the life from him. McKay, Sheppard and Martouf were cocooned to the wall, all in row, looking much like a Wraith salad bar at TGI Friday’s.

“Wait!” yelled Dixon.

The Wraith Queen sneered, as much as a Wraith could sneer and told him, “Nothing can save you now!”

“I know that, but maybe we could make this a little more pleasurable for both of us. If you could just release me long enough to let me unzip these pants…”

“Oh, God,” gasped Sheppard. “He’s not thinking about THAT at a time like this, is he?”

“I’m pretty sure he is,” Rodney giggled as hysteria overwhelmed him.

Curious, the Wraith Queen reached her hand suckers towards Dixon’s crotch. “Ahhh! I sense a great force here!” she hissed and then ordered him, “Get up! Remove your covering.”

Dixon got up off his knees and shoved his pants down as he suggested the Queen should kneel for the best effect. Having his pants around his ankles was somewhat of an encumbrance when he tried to run after handing the Queen the grenade, but fortunately, the Wraith soldiers who were chasing him made a fairly good bomb shelter.

The resulting blast tore open most of the cocoon material and freed his team who staggered after him before the other stunned Wraith could react, not having had the protection of cocoons around them.

They ran.

4)

“Turn my team loose or she dies,” ordered Lantash, eyes glowing as the ribbon device held the Wraith Queen enthralled.

The Wraith tried shooting him, but the personal protection device held strong. “You are trying my patience,” Lantash warned making the ribbon device glow stronger and eliciting a scream from the Queen.

With a rip, the Wraith cut loose the webbed bonds that held McKay, Sheppard and Dixon.

“Take her and go,” Lantash commanded in his most godly voice and he dropped his hand.

The Wraith servants grabbed their Queen and quickly retreated.

Dixon came to stand next to him, pulling a few bits of webbing from his hair and flicking them at the Tok’ra. “You been holding out on us, you snaky bastard,” he snarled.

Lantash just smiled.

5)

“Will you turn that crap off?” whined Rodney, “I’m trying to play poker here!”

“See, that’s your problem, McKay. You have to stop playing around and get serious here. I see your 5 and raise you 5,” Dixon smirked. “I gotta agree tho. Can’t understand exactly what you ladies see in that ‘Wormhole Extreme: Avalon’ show. It’s a spin-off of a show that was cancelled after only one episode aired.”

“Are you kidding? It’s a great show and so was ‘Wormhole Extreme’. We’ve seen all the episodes on downloads and now they’re going to release them in a Special Edition boxed set on DVD,” Sheppard said as he passed the popcorn bowl to Martouf. “I can hardly wait.”

“I find it refreshingly creative,” Martouf informed his team leader. “The relationships between the characters are most entertaining and I am learning a great deal about human behavior. It has also helped to improve my music video editing skills.”

“Creative,” snorted McKay. “They haven’t created a single concept that wasn’t jacked from an old Star Trek episode. And that ‘scientist’ character who screams like a girl is giving us real scientists a bad name. Don’t even get me started on all that techobabble nonsense.”

“The alien guy is kinda hot. So is that skinny babe who plays the group leader. I call,” Dixon said.

“Thinking with your zipper again, Sir?” Sheppard asked. “Anyone can see the hot guy is that buff, young Major Shaggard.”

“And those villains…life-force-sucking, vampire people. Give me a break,” Rodney groused as he threw in his hand. “Take it, Colonel. It’s all yours.”

Dixon chortled gleefully as he raked in the pot. “Okay, ladies, time to suit up. We gate out in half an hour.”

As they headed for the locker room, Martouf asked McKay, “Didn’t that last tablet that Dr. Jackson was translating say something about the lost city of Avalon. Do you suppose….?”

“No,” McKay shook his head. “Don’t even go there.”

The End


End file.
